Today I am breathing!

 

So in my previous Blog I addressed the accident I witnessed, we all know i am struggling… But something that has kept me holding it together was a song by Ingrid Michealson “Keep Breathing”.  So yesterday I went and had that put on my arm as i felt it is the song of my life.   The stuff I have lived through I truly feel I spend more time saying “Just BREATHE” than anything else. So now I have a tattoo on the inside of my arm that says “Just Keep Breathing” with a Dandilion running through it that looks like someone just took a breath and blew some of it away.  But not all was blown away so another breathe is needed getting to the idea of “Just Keep Breathing”.   I mean seriously this is just a few:

Sexually Abused myself

Alcoholics in home growing up

Drugs being used by parents growing up

Loveless 1st marriage

Step-daughter (my now adopted daughter)

Son diagnosed with Autism (which is a constant battle for acceptance of him)

Witnessing the this Accident in Selmer

So I did something for me that was souly for me… I know people will have opinions of tattoo’s but that is their problem.  I love seeing it and it grounds me.. In the end ONLY I can know what is gonna help me get to my new normal!  As you can tell there was thought behind this tattoo.. So I think i will be happy with it for the rest of my life saggy skin and all lol

 

Teachers Can Bully Too

I know I haven’t been blogging much.  My life seems to have been going nuts.

I am still seething over all that has happen.. I am trying not but it is getting ridiculous.  I am learning more and more how teachers (and I guess I should say some teachers bc there are great teachers out there too) are using tactics like humiliation to get what they want out of a child.  My son for instance when he is overwhelmed, anxious or scared does this whine that I will admit is annoying.  However that is how he copes and until he learns a new behavior he is gonna do that behavior… Well when he does this whine he pulls his hands up to his mouth.  Well in an IEP meeting (in front of her principal and the special ed director) his teacher admitted to telling him he looked like a cat when he does this.. Well I know to some this may seem harmless… But here is the thing about my son, He is LITERAL I mean so literal I can’t even call him my sweet baby boy.  He gets so upset when someone calls him anything other than his name.  So I know that this caused him distress which is a distress he doesn’t deserve… When we could be modeling the behavior and role playing that behavior with him to get him to learn the desired behavior.. ugh..  What is more frustrating is when I asked the teacher not to do this, she took the first chance she got to humiliate me in the meeting. which means she sees nothing wrong with humiliation as a tactic if it gets her the desired result.  can I bang my head against a wall… Humiliating our children is cowardly, it is the cowards way of getting what you want out of our children.  There are many positive ways of working with our children to teach them how to display the appropriate behavior.  However that is gonna require you to do the work and repeat until he learns the behavior.  I don’t know how many times I have told you that the more you sing song something or give him a visual the fast he learns.  Oh wait I am just the dummy mommy.

Look these children deserve better than this, we don’t send them to school to be bullied by the teacher, they will get enough of that by the children.  The parents you teachers see as neurotic  are actually parents that love their children so much it hurts.  These are the parents you should be embracing not trying to alienate.  These are the parents who will help you do whatever you need when you need it.  But these are also the parents who will stand up for their babies no matter the cost or the circumstances..

I am just so tired of being talked down too like I haven’t been living the hell of teaching my son how to communicate effectively and act in appropriate manners when he needs, wants or desires something.  Like I haven’t been in the trenches with my son for the last 5 years.  Look teachers have degrees but I have the Ph. D in my son and what works for him.  You will not make me feel inferior.  You will not make me feel like I am beneath you.  I am his mother and it would behoove you to listen to me.  I can help you and you can help me.  It could be a team effort, Instead you have turned it into a pissing contest.  Well I refuse to piss with you.  I will keep fighting for my son until I feel he has what he needs and then I will sit back and let you piss away in the wind.  I don’t gives a rats butt about you but I do care about my son.

So while you may think that humiliating me was your big win, think again.  You just showed me your hand and now I know what you are truly like.  I am saddened by this because I had hopes for my sons school year.  Dreams of it being this amazing team between each other..  That’s ok though. I see what it is like, however I won’t let you jade me against the other teachers that might come into his life.  This will not ruin that potential relationship.  Just know that your tactics are cowardly and crude.  You shouldn’t be doing this to our special needs kids.  These are the most amazing kids and you have the privilege of teaching them.   If you don’t think of it like that then you are in the wrong job.

Now this is just one mothers opinion.  please no hate mail about how teachers are wonderful.. I have been a teacher and like in every job you have ur bad apples… I think I found one.  But like I said next year will be different for my son bc I believe we will have a great teacher!

Mario to Minecraft: Mother to Mother

So something happen today.  Something that I find so awesome when it happens…

So as you guys know my son Drake LOVES Mario.. I have been having a heck of time finding Mario things for his birthday… Well today when we were checking out I looked down and what to my amazement but little Mario figurines! I was thrilled.  Well I got one of each they had and then I thought “HMMMM I wonder if the other check out lines might have some different ones?”.  So while Dad finished unloading the buggy I rushed from isle to isle looking at their figurines and when I return I notice the lady behind me looking at me curiously.  So I turn to her and apologize, I explain to her that my son is Autistic and he is captivated by Mario.  That I am struggling finding things for him in Mario for some reason this year and that finding these were a score.  She smiles and replies “I completely understand! I have twins and one of them is Autistic.  He is all about Minecraft!”

But you know what it wasn’t just about our boys that we were fascinated with… It was about each other.  For a moment we were connecting with someone who understood our lives.  Of all places at that in the grocery LINE!

See for parents of any special needs child you sometimes feel like you are alone.  You start to think there is no possible way anyone can understand how you feel at this very moment.  Then you meet that parent that is going through this with you and BAM you realize I am not alone and I actually have a community that understands.

So while most of you in Walmart today thought I was totally nuts running from isle to isle looking for figurines, it was nice to meet that stranger that got it.  It sounded like two moms geeking out at the first day of school about things that had been going on all summer… lol but actually we were comparing notes about our kids.

So now I have one request for anyone who reads this, please send me a link to anywhere you can think I might find some Mario gear for his birthday or gear.  HELPP! LOL I am struggling to find stuff outside of video games for a 5 year old…

Tick Tock: Life is One Big Clock

The timer goes off on dinner: We stop and go to the next step of serving.

Timer goes off in the morning: we wake up and get ready for the next step of the day work/school.

Timer goes off at work: We stop and go to lunch

Timer goes off at Lunch: We stop and return to our job or school

Timer goes off after 1st period at school: We stop and move to the next class.

Ok I could go on and on about how timers RULE our lives. But I am sure by now you get the idea.  See I mentioned at my sons IEP that he uses timers at home to help him know how long he has before he has to transition.  This helps lower his anxiety and helps transition him smoothly.  He also eats to a timer.  This helps him know how long he has to eat so that he doesn’t get distracted and not eat while we are all at the table eating together.  He use to get down and run around, eat a bite, run some more, eat a bite, run again, and well you get the picture.  Since doing the timer he now joins us at the table.

The school said they didn’t want to use the timer because they didn’t want him to rely on timers.  They also said that putting it in his IEP would only make it difficult to take it out when it stopped working.  Well who is to say it stops working? And seriously all this talk about helping our kids prepare for life, isn’t our life living from one timed event to another… learning to manage our time is a BIG life skill.  Yet they are shooting it down like I am a stupid little mommy.  Yet my son is not eating at school because he is distracted in the lunch room and has no sense of time.  Yet they still won’t add the dang timer.  Well that IEP they were trying to avoid is just gonna have to happen now.  Now I am the one calling the meeting to TELL them that teaching my son time management with the use of a timer is a goal I will have added to his IEP.

Why must we as parents lay out the obvious to them? Why must it get ugly before things get done? I just don’t understand.  Why do schools preach they want us to be a “TEAM” but yet they really want to keep us out of the school as much as possible? OH well.. it is gonna be what it is and I will just keep pushing to make sure my son gets what it is for him to succeed… I just know that I am not easily steam rolled … please don’t let them steam roll you!

Thank you Carl

July 30th started like any other chaotic day in the life of MDF household.  Drake had meltdowns, fighting with his sister, his sister being a little pill, and over all mommy was just ready for school to START! lol

That day we had the cable guy coming to install cable back into our home.  We had tried to go without it but since Comcast now limits your gigabits we were spending the same. That day we also had the last night of Summer Blast (or VBS for some) so we were exhausted.

Carl called us about 3pm and said he was on  his way.  I was thankful bc we had to leave at 4:30 that day for VBS.  He came in and instantly Drake was drawn to him.  Drake wanted to show him his Wii Games and tell him all about the things he could do.  Me being the nervous mommy, kept trying to send Drake away.  Asking him to let Carl do his job, but Drake was not having it.

Carl then looked up with a smile and said “oh he is good he ain’t bothering me”.  He then talked to Drake, asked him questions, played with a car with Drake, listened to him talk about Mario and Splatoon and even tolerated him touching him with his feet.  I seen Drake start to touch him and I immediate said “Drake don’t touch him with his feet, I am sorry he is Autistic and likes to touch people with his feet”.  I expected that awkward smile and look of THANK YOU for getting him off me, but not Carl! He simply said “I got him”.  My heart just smiled inside as this is so rare.  Compassion towards our children are few and far between.

So Comcast needs to know that this employee is doing exceptional work! I hope this makes it around to him and he knows how much his kindness touched our family..  So Thank you Carl from the bottom of our heart! Your kindness and compassion will not soon be forgotten.

What I hope by sharing this also is that you can see that by giving kindness you can impact someone’s world and forever change it.  So smile at people as you pass by, be understanding with that screaming child in the restaurant, be helpful to the elderly, and just be KIND! If we could learn to be kind our world could finally change the world in a positive way!

Back to School Jitters

Typically this is the time of year where parents are doing the happy dance.  Well I am doing a partial happy dance… My girl is going back to school after being homeschooled for a year.  YAY! She is so ready and so am I.  However my boy will be starting school this year for the first time… He is 4 and will be attending a special program to help prepare him for Kindergarten next year.  This program is through the public school.  Am I grateful for the program? YES Does that mean I am less nervous? NO

I feel like a major ball of nerves.  The closer it gets the sicker I get.  Lots of reason really..

1) First IEP meeting and no one that will be working with him was there.  I mean literally no one! Excuse was it was summer they were off.. So I have no idea who he will be working with..

2) His teacher won’t be coming until Sept.  So he will have a sub until then.  Which I understand she had a baby and it was in the NICU until just recently.  I get that and understand.  I wouldn’t want to come right back to work either… But why the year my son is gonna be in your class.. Yes I am aware of how selfish that sounds but when your son doesn’t transition well you tend to be slightly selfish.

3) I worry about the bullies! Lord help me if he gets bullied, I will be that schools worst nightmare mommy.  I can’t stand a bully! My son stims in a weird awkward way and I can’t seem to get him to change that to something less awkward.  He says that he can’t change it because it helps him think better when he does it.

4) I worry just because I am MOM.. Telling me not to worry is like telling a flower not to bloom… I am gonna do it.  I have been his soul caregiver for 4 years now.  I have had no help from the outside and dang it I am scared.  I am scared that they will abuse him, I am scared they will judge him, I am scared they will try to turn him into someone other than who he is, and I am afraid he just won’t need me anymore.  Yup there is that selfish thing coming out again.  Sometimes these things are slightly about me.  However while I acknowledge that, I know that is normal as a mom.  I felt that way when my daughter had her first day of school..

I feel like I am gonna also be out of the loop with my sons care.  I feel like someone else is gonna be making decisions for his well-being without me.  People who don’t even know him will have opinions.  This is not sitting really well with me.  Oh and you don’t have to tell me how controlling this sounds I already know.  But don’t you realize that parenting a child with Autism is about control.  We have to control so many things just to get through a day.. Trying to avoid over stimulation, under stimulation, meltdowns, social awkwardness, and we are just trying to make sure our kids have the best childhood possible.

So while I am suppose to reliquensh some of this control to the staff at his school, I am scared to do it as well.  People say “oh you are gonna love the break”.  You are right I might actually take care of me for a change.  However I will not stop worrying that he isn’t being treated fair or being hurt.  In the end the only person who can take care of him the best is me, HIS MOM.  That doesn’t mean I don’t need help and I am trying to let go.  So please be patient and kind with me while I work through my worry, fears and just let me cry when I need too.

See letting my son go to school is way different than when my daughter went to school.  I was sad but happy for her at the same time.  It was a right of passage with her, but I knew she would be fine.  She could tell me if she wasn’t and I would stomp someone if needed.  However with my boy it is scary.  He is verbal but shuts down when things are bad, he doesn’t like to tell me about his day.  Ask him and he says “i don’t know”.  See that scares me, because will he tell me if someone is hurting him? My son is picky about how he eats his food. So I worry what if it isn’t the right temp and he doesn’t eat? If he has a meltdown, will they be patient with him? Will he be punished for something he can’t control? See all these are fears I didn’t have with my daughter.

So when you ask me if I am excited about my son going to school and I respond “not really”.  How about you say “I understand” instead of telling me how much I need this break or how great it is gonna be to have all this time alone. Because truly I could give a rats butt about that time. I want him to be okay and loved.

Sticker Cowards: A Message to Anyone Judging our Children

So yesterday we all seen the article about the mom who found the stickers on her car calling her Autistic son a “spoiled brat”, “undisciplined” and “entitled”. ( if you haven’t read this please click here)  This really got to me yesterday.  I literally thought about nothing other than this mother and how she must have felt seeing those words on her car.  How violated she must have felt, how angry she probably was, how helpless she felt not knowing who it was and how hurt she must have been feeling for the world her son would have to grow up in now.

I put myself in her position.  As a mother of a son who I feel is stared at and often categorized as these very stereotypes, it left me feeling like: “Well we have gone a long way backwards in educating people on Autism if this is how they still think and feel!”

I will give you my an example… Yesterday was hot as Donkey Kongs balls in a jungle.  We decided it would be a good day for a swim.  Me and my best friend, got our kids ready and we headed down to the pool.  We jump in and I am instantly hit with the thought “wow this feels like a sauna, oh crappity crap crap crap!”.  See Chris hates his water to warm, his food to cold and everything has to meet in the middle… But since our weather is so freaking hot the pool has gotten confused and thinks it is a hot tub.

Everyone begins to comment and I do that mommy look like “Shut the front door up my friends because I don’t want him to notice!” lol  He gets in and does his things.. Jumps off the side about 20 times and rolls up in his ball on his back floating with his ears under water for peace…. I think ok, we are going to be fine… Then it begins more people show up, the pool begins to fill up and he starts to freak out!

Chris: “Mommy I want to go home, I am hungry!”, (he likes to chew on things when he is stressed so hungry is his go to word)

Me: “Chris we just got to the pool lets stay a little longer..”

Chris: “Mommy I just want to go home!”

See here is where it gets bad and the whining starts.. We are pushing him a little and he is pushing back… This is hard for him but his sister is having fun so we want to let her swim.. My husband asked me a couple of times “Babe do you just want me to take him back” and I resisted just to see if we could get through it.

Then came the loud screaming and the harder pushes from him “Mommy I want to go  home, I want to go home, I need to go home!”  Then the words that almost made me cry… “It’s just to hard being here” …

See he was getting overloaded, water was to warm, to many people, kids were screaming, people were splashing, and it was later than we normally swim.

What people on the outside seen was a 4-year-old calling the shots and throwing a fit and getting his way. What I seen was my son telling me when he had reached enough and me (in trying to meet another child’s needs) not listening to his need of removing himself from the stressful situation.

What these “cowards” and “uneducated idiots” that left these stickers on that window fail to see is these children aren’t “Spoiled”, “entitled” or “undisciplined”.  They are fighting a war inside their bodies, they have no control over winning or loosing that war.  All they can do is try to remove themselves from the situation and sometimes as parents we are trying so hard to be “socially acceptable”, we push them to hard to be that with us.  This is true for me at least… We want them to fit in with their friends and family, so if we just stay a little longer maybe it will pass.  “Oh Silly Mommy Trix are for the Neuro-Typical Child” because Autistic kids will smell a trick coming a mile away.   See they are beyond smart.  So smart we can’t even wrap our minds around this level of intelligence sometimes.

So in all the pondering I decided that really in the end these people are the ones missing out on knowing what is probably one of the most amazing gifts God has placed on this Earth.  An Autistic Child will unlock doors for your mind that you didn’t think was possible, make you think outside the box when all you want to do is jump in the box and tape the lid shut.  If you hold on though, for just one minute, you will start to enjoy that ride… Then you will never want to get off..

Yup, so for all you out there judging my son (or any Autistic Child) know this, my son is braver than any of you. Why? Because he wakes up each day and faces a world that judges him endlessly for something he can’t change.  Yet he still thinks you are all his friends!

PS Learn to spell before you get all ballsy and judgmental publicly like this! Just saying!

Basic Aspergers for you Dummies

We all know that our Aspie’s (or the High Functioning Autistic children now as they are called) hyper focus on certain things in their “world”.  It becomes their obsession… Since my son was 18 months old it has been Mario Brothers for him.. He has self-taught himself how to play the games, now he YouTube’s the games and teaches himself how to play.  Most of the time he has taught himself how to play the new games through video’s and when the game comes out he is almost bored with the game after a week… Hence why we love GameFly…

Here is why I give you all this background… Every evaluation we go to they ask me the same question: Is there any one topic he seems to fixated about and loves to learn about? —  My answer is always “Educationally NO, but he is super fixated on video games, especially Mario.  He loves to learn about games new and old.  How to level up, new gear coming out, how the amiibo works, and just anything Wii related.”

It is INTENSE when he is talking about Mario… If he is talking about Mario and he thinks you aren’t listening he will say “Mommy are you listening to me!” over and over until he is acknowledged… He gets absolutely giddy over it.. It’s hard to explain but if you have an Aspie you know what I am talking about… 🙂

But what makes me so CRAZY is every time I say this, they look at me and say “oh no I mean like Dinosaurs or Space”.  I always shoot them a look like “Wait who the freakity freak are you to tell me what my sons obsession should be? So to be an Aspie it has to be Dino’s or Space? Educational only? ummmm last I checked these kids have different personalities and different interest… So are ‘normal’ children only allowed to like video’s games and non-educational stuff?”

My question is WHO THE HECK TAUGHT THESE PPL!  I know my son isn’t the only gaming Aspie out there because I have a good friend whose son is equally obsessed… so I told my husband that next time a teacher or Dr. tries to dismiss this I am gonna have to do some serious educating… I am gonna offer “Basic Aspergers for You Dummies”…  I am going to have to start asking for creditials if this keeps up.. Make sure they aren’t coming out of a Cracker Jack Box… yummm Cracker Jacks.. Oops sorry, I’m back.. lol

But is it me or do these people really think that we as parents are this slow.  That we aren’t paying attention to the stupidity that comes out of their mouths sometimes.  Whether be a Dr. discussing a treatment plan or a Teacher at an IEP meeting.  I want to look at them and say, you know how do you think we got to this point? It wasn’t because Mama was slow on the uptake people.  Someone had to get him here.  Are you feeling me?

Please guys I am always looking to hear from you guys and what you are hearing from the “experts” on your children… I know I am not the only one around here thinking they need to slap somebody sometimes…

note: please know I am not saying that obsessions about dinosaurs or space aren’t acceptable, but that drs have to be open to other non-educational type of obsessions sometimes.

Play Nice Mommy

I swear it is a sad day when I have to kiss up to teacher just to ensure that she is nice to my kid… Shouldn’t all teachers be nice to the kids… I mean what the what, didn’t you get into the teaching profession bc you wanted to make a difference on a child’s life… I am starting to think teachers were just once the kids that were bullied who are now looking for others to bully so they became teachers.  This way they can get away with bullying by saying “kids today just aren’t disciplined anymore making our job so hard”.

Don’t get me wrong I have taught preschool and I know some teachers are God’s gift… I have had some teach my daughter that I wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world.  Their impact was priceless.. Then you have those that you just want to take your finger to their nose and say “look here, you got one more time to talk to my kid like that.. then me and you are gonna settle this old school! GOT IT!”

I know I know violence is never an option blah blah blah… but hey that is how I feel… Today I am preparing a sweet “Introductory Letter” to my sons teacher.  Hoping this gives her some understanding to his quirks so she doesn’t throat punch him while he is at school.  I mean all jokes aside he is Autistic, I do understand her needing to understand him more than most kids, but the emphasis that is put on Autistic parents to make things as easy as possible for the teachers is baffling to me… Maybe if the schools focused on accommodations for these children then we wouldn’t have to worry about kissing up to these teachers…

Stop focusing on these STUPID test and focusing on teaching these kids how they learn… But I plan to be a good little Autistic Mommy and be right there holding their hands all the way… Making sure my boy is in good hands!  Which in return means I won’t get banned from the school for loosing my mind on the principal.