I am Sorry

My sweet loving boy, I am sorry!   I am sorry I didn’t listen to my gut when it came to vaccination.  I am sorry I push you so hard out of your comfort zone.  I am sorry I forget that not everyone is gonna understand you, nor do they even want to try.  I am sorry you can’t have friends because they think you’re weird.    I am sorry I can’t make this all better for you.

I am sorry people stare at you when you melted down on the subway. I am sorry I got embarrassed and let their judgement cause me to over react.  I am sorry family may never get to know the true miracle that you are to us all.. I am sorry people get annoyed when you try to share your passion with them (including me).

I am the most sorry that you are wonderfully you and we are choosing to overlook the amazing qualities you have to offer.  Your: Funny,  Honest, Kind, Loving, Giving and Amazing in Knowledge.  We fail to see these qualities because of the hard times that come, instead of focusing on the amazing moments you give us daily.

Sadly I don’t know if this will ever change but I hope you see it in your life time.  You are  precious and my miracle.  I promise I will do anything to change this in my lifetime.  So that maybe you will have a relatively normal life.  So just know I love you and you extremely important to me and your father!

The Mythical Closure

So I have done pretty good since the accident June 11th.   Actually got out and did some photo’s of my daughter and my best friends daughter.  So I thought I was finding closure.

Little did I know that closure was a mythical creature similar to a unicorn.  I have been struggling with Nightmares, Flashback and the anger for not being able to make sense of all this that I seen that day.  I want to move forward but the anxiety takes over my body like an evil angry spirit trying to pull me to the dark side.

I always knew that soldiers struggled with Fireworks on the 4th of July and other holidays.  However this was not something I was prepared to struggle with this year.  My nieghbors were shooting off the big fireworks for their family.  This some how got twisted in my brain to sounding like the accident I witnessed.  It took lots of deep breathing, good meds, and going to bed.  Yet I still work up sick from my nerves being wrecked.

I am trying to not let this effect my kids, my daughter has 3 fashion shows in the fall and I need to be back to normal so that i can take her to these.  1 is in NY and 1 is in LA, last thing I need on her first flight is to get anxious.. ugh.. I have flown it doesn’t bother me to fly but Fireworks have never bothered me either… So we slowly on the road to recovery but it is VERY slow!  But I do wish people would stop telling me it gets better with time.  I know it gets better with time in some weird sense of coping.  But in the end it never get really better it still haunts you but you just have to learn to cope or you will find yourself in a straight jacket laughing hysterically in a padded room.  So here is to time and finding that coping closure. 

Did I Get It Wrong

UUGHH…Let me just start this by saying I know people are going to have opinions and I can’t change that ever.  However it doesn’t make them any less annoying and unwanted.  Especially from family!

I mean I get it from strangers, but when it is from people who know your child that is when I want to take my foot to their butts… People just have the need to voice their opinion on what they think Autism means to them.  What they have gotten from media on what it means to have an Autistic Child.

So basically my Father-in-law doesn’t feel I am acknowledging the fact that my son is extremely smart.. Well he says “genius”… What he fails to see is that I see how smart my son is, however I know that this isn’t uncommon for Autistic children.  He likes to point out that my son is meticulous, methodical, precise and thorough.  Heck I don’t know, I am only the mom here and lived with him since birth, I guess I failed to see that in him.  **face palm** How could I ever have missed the very things that make our life so different from most peoples.

See here is the thing, people feel they need to point out the obvious.  Well people let me just tell ya, WE DIDN’T MISS THAT and we are WELL AWARE of the quirks our kids present in life.  NEWSFLASH BEEN HERE 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR and I promise I wasn’t checked out.

See when people start to question his Autism diagnosis I start to wonder “Did I push to hard for a diagnosis?” “Could it be he is not Autistic and I am just to focused on it to see it?”  The answer to all these questions is NOPE!  But I let uneducated people get in my head.  I have never wanted to be a special needs parent, I have never wanted to have an Autistic child.  However that is what I am. I am dealing with it the best way I know how at this time.  How about instead of questioning the diagnosis you offer to help and be supportive.  The last thing we all need is another opinion. Yeah Thanks but No Thanks! Trust me I know we all have one but it doesn’t mean we need to say them out loud.  Here is what we do need:

• Someone to listen when Autism takes over our life, because it will trust me.  Therapy, doctors appointments, IEP’s, and learning how to incorporate it into life!
• Someone to give us a breather.  Believe it or not, even Super Moms as we are often referred to as, need a break.
• Bring us a coffee: Yup just a small gesture will sometimes turn a day of meltdowns into a tolerable day.
• And LEAN in because here is the hardest one to do and believe: USE COMMON SENSE, help us as you would any other parent! There is nothing in this list that any parent doesn’t need from time to time. We are all human, we are all tired, and we all need help.  So just be there for us as you would anyone else..

Your judgment and opinions need to be checked at the door, trust me we get that enough from strangers.